Crash and Burn

I can't do it.  I can't let them go.  The girls are staying home, where they belong.

Yesterday will forever go down in our family history as the day Marney went to school and taught her class about Venn diagrams.  Then came home to stay.

Over the weekend while I was cleaning and purging the school room and the girls desks, I was reminded of how much we really have done, how much they really have learned.  More importantly, I was flooded with memories of the wonderful moments we have shared together through home schooling.  I was reminded how much I love seeing their faces light up at something new they had learned.

Although Jim and I have worked hard to Fireproof our marriage, we paid no attention to burnout proofing our home school.  Some early plea's for help went unnoticed by both of us.  The effects of the events of the last 8 months finally piled up too high.  I couldn't take the load any longer.  I crashed.  Something had to change.  I thought the answer was to send them to school.  That they we would be better of  there, where the qualified teachers are.  Not stuck at home with their obviously crazy Mother!

But crazy as I may be, no one loves my kids like I do.  No one else knows them like I do.  No one cares about their future like I do. 

Having their hearts is more important than getting them to Harvard.  

Ivy League has never been our goal, but I do want the world to be our children's oyster.  I want them to be able to do what ever it is that God calls them to do.  I don't want lack of education to be an obstacle that they have to overcome.  

State testing is coming up soon, my kids have not been tested since leaving public school.  Will they measure up?  Fear and doubt crept in so slowly, I didn't see it until it was too late.  

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Eight months ago, Jim called me on his way home from work.  Through tears, he told me that he had been let go from his job.  He was devastated.  I was stunned.  First of all, he never cry's, second, those were words I never thought I would hear from my husband.  That happens to other people.   My husband is a hard worker, always going above and beyond at his job.  He truly enjoys working.  I pray for him daily.  I thought this was enough to keep him safe.  I was arrogant.

The job hunt and the financial worries that followed were very difficult.  

But the decision to move far away from everything we knew and kept us safe was even more gut wrenching.    

The move went smoothly, thank goodness, and the kids transitioned nicely.  

I was busy trying to get the house settled, keep the kids busy and happy, (and probably myself  too) so that no one would have time to be homesick.  To fill the hole in our hearts that was created when we left.  What I didn't do was take time off to let every one take a breath, heal, and get used to the idea of our new normal.  

I should have taken some time to just let things be.  Instead fear and doubt drove me to continue along as if nothing had happened.  To demand our old schedule from the kids and I.   They must keep up with their studies!  That little voice kept reminding me.  I was trying to keep all the balls in the air, to not let anything drop. 

I wasn't taking care of myself.  I didn't aknowledge everything I had lost, my family, our home, a job I loved.  I didn't give my self time and permission to grieve those losses.  I had to be strong.

Then came the holidays we had company, we traveled.  We were busy again and off our schedule.  

Then we all had the flu, of course we did!  We were exhausted. 

All of this created a perfect storm, a recipe for disaster, the perfect formula to create burnout.  I crashed and burned hard.

After lots of tears, and soul searching, I'm in a better place.  I'm reminded of what our priorities are.  I'm ready to finish this year with enthusiasm.

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So what's our plan moving forward?

I have to stop thinking about what we are not or should be doing, and start concentrating on what we are doing.  What is going well, and how can we change the things that are not.

We need to remind each other daily of the big picture.  That our success may not come in the form of a big grand finish, but in the little every day victories along the way.

I need to exercise regularly, take my vitamins, and take a break every now and then.  While I doubt I'll get the weekend in Tahiti I've been hoping for, I can take time away in some (budget friendly) form or fashion.

We also sat down to tweak our schedule, what's working, what's not.  I think this one will be better.

I started reading some wonderful books about Homeschool burnout, and imperfect homeschooling, they are helping!