Disappointment at hearing from my boss today that they no longer need the temporary employees on my unit, me included. Part of me was looking forward to possibly going back, I love my job, I love being a nurse. I love contributing to my family financially, easing Jim's burden. That was, after all, why I went back to school in the first place. We had lived through the ups and downs of the Michigan auto industry, experienced a "recession" long before the rest of the state/country felt the effects. We knew it was coming. We wanted some financial stability. Plus, I have always wanted to be a nurse. It was a win, win situation. I worked really hard to earn that degree. I was really good at my job. I put a great deal of my heart and soul into nursing. So, today I'm feeling disappointed. Maybe a little sorry for myself, too. My ego has been bruised.
As much as I love being a nurse, I love my family more. I feel needed here. Now more than ever. This is why I have been agonizing about this decision. To go back or not to go back, that was the question weighing heavily on my heart and mind. I want to be home, but how can I just give up everything I have worked so hard for? How can I give up the paycheck, that allows us to feel somewhat OK at the end of the month? I've been praying for help making that decision. I wanted someone else to make it. How could I ever choose my job over my family. Today I guess my prayer was answered, the decision was made for me. Making it harder in some ways, I've never left job where it was not on my terms, but easier in others.
I read a quote once about making decisions, about, how do we know what God wants us to do. I can't find it right now, but it went something along the lines of "If God wants us to do something, He will open the door, if not, He will close it." As simple as that. How freeing in many ways. Don't take the disappointments personal, it just wasn't His plan for your life at this moment.
Maybe God just wants me to put my whole heart and soul into raising these 4 fantastic kids. I've seen his hand all along in this journey, the timing of certain things, landing a great job in the first place. Maybe it all happened to help bring Ben home, to help me be a better Mom for Ben, for all our kids.
This did make me smile today:
" If you can't be a good example, then you you'll just have to be a horrible warning."